All Poems, Hope, Panic, Sleep, Stories, Worry

Worries Pummel Me

Worries pummel me all night like rain.

Unremitting tempest.

Body tossing.

This way, that, side to side.

In choppy waters.

Holding tight the rail.

With each dip, another thought.

What’s going on with a granddaughter?

Ferried to Montefiore Hospital for labs?

What’s happening in my mouth?

Pain tormenting me?

Will I get to the dental appointment at seven?

What are those aches in my body?

Knee, hip, shoulder.

Out of alignment from a fall.

On a city curb.

Unexpected, disorienting.

Then, the litany of intrusive flashes.

Unrecognizable silhouettes in a fog.

Names, faces of long lost cousins.

People I forgot to text.

Unanswerable questions.

Would I ever get back to Buenos Aires?

Does this or that person remember who I am?

So, it went.

Shifting, turning.

Shutting, opening eyes.

Waiting for dawn.

Release from pelting assault.

Too bad windows shuttered.

Keeping out last night’s storm.

For it’s song I long to hear.

Carolina wrens and catbirds.

Flapping from tree to tree.

Lullabies soothe my soul.

Restore my energy.

 

Lynn Benjamin

May 30, 2024

All Poems, Health/Illness, Humor, Panic, Siblings, Sister Love

My Sister Went Down

 

I shrieked, shrill, high-pitched.

Agitating tranquil breezes.

After only a few steps, exiting the doctor’s office.

As my sister, whom I escorted there, went down.

Losing her balance removing the K-N95.

Which she obediently wore.

Told to do so in her reminder phone call.

Though once inside, finding it optional.

There she was beside me.

On the ground.

Managing to keep her neck tilted, crown above the sidewalk.

So as not to hit the cement.

A driver from a transit service came running.

Offered her his arm to stand.

Dust off the sudden loss of equilibrium.

I’m okay, she reassured us, pushing him away, herself up.

Nothing serious. Maybe a bit sore.

I inhaled the damp, biting air.

Relieved she wasn’t hurt.

On my watch.

So, I said to her, Dad would be proud.

Her face clouded, confused, what do you mean?

I answered, well, you protected your head. I watched your maneuver.

Going on to explain, when I broke my pelvis, Dad scolded me.

For not knowing how to fall!

She laughed.

I joined her.

For though tripping right beside me,

my sister knew what to do.

Held head high, jumped right up,

dismissing all rescue.

 

Lynn Benjamin

 

8, 2023

 

Aging, All Poems, Change, Death, Fear, Health/Illness, Hope, Loss, Natural Beauty, Pandemic, Panic

Life Changes in an Instant

 

One person dies, life changes in an instant.
Thousands die, everyone changes in an instant.
Millions die, earth changes in an instant.

Lockdown, disinfection,
social distance, work from home;
scary news, day and night.

Hospitals jammed;
patients gasp, nurses rush;
doctors spent, staff at risk.
No tests, no masks, no ventilators.

Restaurants shuttered, theaters dark;
help sent home, no pay in hand.

Streets empty, traffic stopped.
Confusing messages from the top:
every state for itself.
Recommendation: wash hands.

So, it goes: Global Pandemic 2020.

While life as usual falls apart around me,
I am home with my partner.
Anniversary party postponed. Seder on Zoom.
Children,  grandchildren scattered like dandelion seeds.

No visiting, no shopping, no nail painting.
Alone with the mirror:
white hair, sagging skin, age spots.
The wonder that a virus skipping round the world
has the power to remind me:
I am old. I am disposable.

I understand the gravity of this viral war.
I also feel the fragility of age.

My comforts these days are blooming springtime trees.
Daffodils lifting coquettish heads.
Tiny green fruits emerging on my lemon tree.
Mating songs of  birds.
Peekaboo antics of squirrels.
Wandering of a lone goose in a parking lot.
All  ignorant of the crisis.
Proceeding as if  annual rhythms
were regular,  intact.

I rejoice in their awesome normalcy.
In the knowledge that beyond the virus
and beyond my lifetime, is regeneration.
Biological and spiritual.

Lynn Benjamin
March 23, 2020

 

All Poems, Friendship, Pain, Panic, Trauma

To Sara

 

The panic in your voice
injects my heart with fear.
I am frozen
waiting for words
to whisper what has happened.

All sensation stops.
Silenced by the telling of your tears
in the seconds of helplessness, not knowing.

My own self seeks boundary
as it slips into your short staccato sobs.
Stabs in the side
of the one you love.

Choking on air unavailable
to hold back the slash
that fragments his body, your voice, my mind.

The words pierce my ears like knives.
Render me unwhole,
going through maddening motions of everyday
while I breathe teary tones of your voice
in the aroma of rice.

And I don’t know if you know
how much I face
the terror in your face.
Wish that reality had reason and compassion.
A way to give meaning to madness.

But hollow holes of senselessness defy the question
“Why?”
Leave me needy to fill my arms with your pain.
To rock it gently.
For the echo of your cry in my throat only finds repose
in the cradle of our connection.

Lynn Benjamin

November 6, 1993

I wrote this poem after my friend, Sara, told me that her psychiatrist husband was stabbed by a patient in his office. My husband was also a young psychiatrist, and I was horrified by the news. Her husband recovered from the stabbing, but it was very traumatic.

All Poems, Emotions, Fear, Pain, Panic, Politics, Seasons, Trauma, Violence

Snow Falls Lightly

 

Snow falls lightly
outlining lindens,
blanketing streets.
Pristine, perfect.
February’s exhale,
or maybe its tears,
freezing as they fall.

Grief, savageries at the Capitol,
fantasies of medieval combat,
words forged into actions,
violent and amoral.
Politics without honor,
laws without regard,
leaders without courage.

Life, a series of bumper cars
careening into
trees, lungs, hearts,
heads, rainbows, flags,
songs, language.
How to protect ourselves, our young?

I only know for me
to heed the plea
to burrow into wonder.
To look, to see
to sense the joy.
To join, to be again
adventurer, learner, superhero,
lifting lilting limbs through
fresh, uncharted lands.

Until the nest rests secure, balanced.
Blackbirds bow.
Bees buzz.
Beans burst.
Peek-a-boos.
Pat-a-cakes.

Snow falls lightly
outlining lindens,
blanketing streets.
A perfect time to bond,
breathe in,
count blessings,
dream green:
crocuses, daffodils,
honeysuckles, lilacs,
hummingbirds,
chipmunks.
Until suddenly solace.
Seasons take turns.
Cicadas sing.

By
Lynn Benjamin
February 14, 2021

(Inspired by Elias, a burst of sunshine, and all the children I love.)

 

Adult Children, All Poems, Birth, Chanukah, Emotions, Family, Grandchildren, Health/Illness, Holidays, Miracles, Panic, Prose/memoir, Stories

Faraway

 

Have you ever been in that space?
When all is normal till it isn’t?
When you’re going about your routine?
Get an unexpected call?
Starting your heart racing?
Setting off shallow breaths?
Beating away panic?
Giving you a few minutes to swallow the information?
Think?
Decide what to put off?
Change?
You’re not where you just were?
But not yet ready to act?
Somewhere between?
Bereft of time, season?
Alone in the present?
Last night,  one of those moments.
Just settled on the couch.
Watching a comedy.
About to chat with a son.
Light candles with his children.
When my cell across the room chimed.
Did a second son want to light candles, too?
Join our family chat?
No.
He was dropping off his girls at a neighbor’s.
Then driving back to the hospital.
His wife, needing emergency C section.
Earlier than the one scheduled for later in the month.
Could we come?
Of course, no question.
But at the click, I faded.
Drifted faraway.
To-do.
Postpone.
Cancel.
Pack.
Think.
Read texts.
Change hospitals.
Lungs underdeveloped.
Maybe damage.
Shower.
Break spell.
Sleep, or, at least, try.
Drive in the morning.
With our youngest son.
There’s the miracle.
Zev, with us.

Lynn Benjamin
December 3, 2021

Aging, All Poems, Humor, Panic, Prose/memoir, Stories, Stowe 2021, Trips and Places

Bob’s Shoe Horn

 

Bob has always used a shoe horn.
Donning sneakers, work, dress shoes.
Mostly, it was a small metal gadget.
Sometimes plastic.
But more metal than plastic since
plastics often snap in half.
Leaving the shoe horn user without a way to ease heel into shoe.
But those three-and-a-half inchers also require bending down.
All of which is fine when the body, young and supple.
What happens when a person ages?
When hunching over, not only a chore, but could lead to devastating consequences?
Like getting stuck with the chin beside the toes?
The spine collapsed?
Well, these days, everything has a solution.
You can purchase shoe horns thirty-one inches long!
Right on Amazon!
You can stand and put on shoes!
What a novelty!
A lifesaver!
So, extra-long shoe horns appeared in every room of the house.
Plastics of blue, red, green.
What color would you like? he’d ask me.
Long metal ones, again, much sturdier.
It seemed as if Bob would never be without a horn to guide his foot.
Of course, when traveling by plane, he’d have to pack smaller ones.
But during pandemic days, driving our only mode of transport.
The upside, he could take a giant shoe horn.
Occupying a space in the back of the Volvo X90.
On this last trip to Stowe, in fact, he brought a blue plastic one.
Since we traveled to and from hotel to visit family, Bob had to take his appliance back and forth.
Otherwise, how would he accomplish the off and on task of leaving shoes at the door?
Roaming the house in socks?
Escapades with the blue stick abounded.
On our first day visiting,
he forgot the horn at the hotel.
Standing at the door until given a magnanimous dispensation.
Permission to climb the stairs with shoes on to bid grandkids goodnight.
Another time, he worried he’d leave his horn at the family home, forget to take it back to the hotel.
Confiding that if he forgot it, he’d not be able to change into trousers from shorts.
Once shoes  off, he’d be marooned in stockinged feet, unable to drive.
And finally, Ezra, three, took great delight in swashbuckling with his grandpop’s sword-like shoe horn.
So, at one point in his fanciful play,
the thing disappeared entirely.
Initiating panic, and an urgent search.
Who ever thought shoe horns could occasion such attachment?
And to be sure, I never paid much attention, till they grew in size and number.
So, like all stories, this tale has a moral,
simple, sweet, sage and neat.
When traveling, take two shoe horns.
After all, you have two feet!

Lynn Benjamin
August 31, 2021

All Poems, Animals/Insects, Farewell, Humor, Panic, St. Croix, 2022, Stories, Time, Trips and Places, Worry

Was it Merely Luck or a Freudian Slip?

Our trip to St. Croix was winding down.

News of a snowstorm blew from the north.

Boarding pass advising arrival at least an hour before the flight.

We followed instructions.

Only to be barred from checking in.

By an American clerk, standing firm.

Pointing to the sign.

Check-in at least ninety minutes prior to departure.

We beseeched.

Begged.

Panicked.

No dice.

No entry.

No re-booking till tomorrow at 6pm.

What about the connection in Miami?

That would have to wait three days.

Then, photos on the phone flashed by.

Snow blanketing streets, lawns, roofs in Philadelphia.

Where it was obscenely cold.

So, maybe, just maybe, though appointments

would have to be rearranged,

this was lucky happenstance.

Or was it more Freudian?

Unconscious wish to remain in paradise.

With lizards.

Pelicans.

Terns.

Engineered just slightly by mistiming to materialize?

Lynn Benjamin

January 29, 2022